This past Thursday, Eveyn would have been six weeks old. I have found myself thinking about her constantly over the past couple of days, wondering what she would be doing and what she would look like at this point. I look at the pictures of Elijah when he was that age, and judging by how she looked when she was born, I can't help but think that she would look very similar to Elijah. Her thick black hair would probably be starting to fall out wherever she laid her head to sleep. She may even be sleeping through the night like Elijah was at this point. But then again, she may have been keeping me up all night long with collick. What I wouldn't give to hear her screaming all night.
I miss being able to hear those beautiful little breathy sounds when she tries to talk to me. And the drunk look on her face that comes with a full belly. But most of all I just wonder what she would look like with her eyes focused in on mine as she begins to make those first little smiles. I would love to see her toothless smile right now.
I've heard that the first year after a loved one dies is the hardest. To experience all of the holidays and special dates for the first time without that person is like experiencing their death all over again; and that really is how I've felt the last couple of days. I can't stop thinking about what Eveyn would be doing through each hour of the day, how she would be interacting with Elijah, and how I would be juggling the two of them together. I guess eventhough it's only been six weeks, I'm surprised when it all of a sudden gets so hard not to have Eveyn here.
I can only rest in God's promises and divine knowledge and understanding for the life of my family. After all, it's not really my life or my family. It's his; and he has blessed me with the opportunity to be a part of it while I'm here on this earth.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord... Plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11
3 comments:
Thank you for being so honest and for sharing what you are feeling. One of my favorite parts of Eveyn's service was when the preacher spoke of seeing her in Heaven and experiencing her truest essence- knowing her fully, and delighting in her company forever. Those were probably not his exact words, but that is what I heard in my mind and what I know you look forward to. I think it's so amazing how there is no young or old in Heaven, how each of us is finally revealed to be the spiritual being we are, unhindered by time and body. At least, that is my thought of what it must be like. Thanks again for opening your heart- we love you and continue to pray for you.
Dear Elizabeth - there is hardly a day that goes by that I don't think of you and Eveyn. I so appreciate you for your honesty and your faith, you are an inspiration to me. We love you and like you will miss getting to see Eveyn grow up but she will always be in our hearts and a part of our family. We love you and continue to pray for you and Gavin...and Elijah who is a blessing to all of us.
Dear, dear Elizabeth Mai: I wonder when the longing to know Eveyn is not so acute. Your words spoken so open and honestly help me to understand the depth of the loss for you and your family. She will always be an important member--I wish we could have watched her grow--and hugged her often. I love you, Gavin and Elijah so very much, Thank you for sharing Eveyn's picture. I wanted to see her so very much. Much love, Grandma
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