Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Surprise, Surprise!

Well, as most of you already know, baby number two is on it's way. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle all of this. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited and happy about this new addition to our family, but it's literally happening a year and a half earlier than I expected it. I don't know how long it's going to take for it all to sink in, but I'm still in a state of shock. It still doesn't feel real to me.
As I tried to fall asleep last night, all I could do was lay there remembering, minute by minute, the birth of Elijah. I thought your brain let you forget all of that in time to go through it again. That's what I've been told by so many people. It's not that I don't want to do it again, but I really wasn't planning on it this soon. And I remember SO MUCH of those 13 hours last August.
I keep reminding myself that with Elijah I gained almost 60 pounds, he weighed almost 9 1/2 pounds, and he was turned the wrong way and had to be vacuumed out of me. And, I had to be rushed into surgery right after he was born. These are all things that I plan on working very hard at NOT repeating with this baby. I know I can't do much about the baby's weight, but the rest of the stuff I should be able to handle.
I just can't believe my little Eli is barely one year old and I had to pull out the handy pregnancy books last night to start reading them again. I still can't wrap my head around it. It feels like I'm reading the books to get information for a friend who has just found out they are pregnant, instead of for myself.
I mean, I just finished storing away all of Elijah's tiny baby clothes, and I just recently finished space-bagging all of my maternity clothes. Now in a few short months I'll be getting all of that down again and trying to figure out how to fit two cribs in that small bedroom.
It sounds like I'm complaining, but I'm not. I'm just processing. I know that this is a blessing and I am very thankful that Gavin and I don't have the frustrations and stress of those people that are never able to have children. And maybe that's part of my shock of this whole situation. We have been and continue to be extremely blessed. But I know all I can do is be thankful and respond to these blessings with respect and admiration.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

The Blessing of a Child

I've written down the words to one of my favorite songs by Nichole Nordeman. It holds a lot more meaning now that I found out she wrote this after her son was born. It is such a great description of how I feel as a mother. In the first few weeks after Elijah was born, I remember being awake with him in the middle of the night, in a dark room somewhere in the house, just the two of us. It felt like we were the only people alive sometimes and I remember realizing what an awesome responsibility I had been given. And wondering why I had been chosen to raise this little boy. It made me feel so insignificant, but incredibly important at the same time. It was a life-changing realization that has altered me on so many levels. And it is such a gift.

Brave, by Nichole Nordeman

The gate is wide
The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You're safe and sound and
Until now it's where I've been
'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything
But it's been love, Your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave

I am small
And I speak when I'm spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
I say Your name
Just Your name and I'm ready to jump
Even ready to fall...
Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave

I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in me
That changes everything